Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
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Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.