Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
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Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?