wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
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Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.