Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
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what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.