Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
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I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Saving my good tweets for marriage
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.