For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
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If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks