On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
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the three branches of government
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Things will get butter, keep churning
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”