5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
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My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Jesus steals the winter solstice
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.