I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
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Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
gentlemen, hear me out
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Ferrari squats