Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
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A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
fr
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?