I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
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i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
*offers Batman cough drops*
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy