Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
You Might Also Like
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I can’t stop laughing at this
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon