Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
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Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
This is so me 😂😂
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad