“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
You Might Also Like
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
We avoided this particular disaster
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
new year update: losing everything but weight
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando