murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
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every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
A woman drives into a bar.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.