I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie