Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
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Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Did I do this right
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Pickled cat.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I ate everything, including the H.