Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
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All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
is this how new cars are made??
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.