Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
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This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
So creative 😂
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY