OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
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*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
This could be us but you eatin’
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.