On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
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Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.