Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
You Might Also Like
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
me and my fake scenarios
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”