Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
You Might Also Like
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!