That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
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hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
You got this…