Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.