🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
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Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.