DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
it was love at first sight
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.