4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
This is enough internet for the day.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
had to share :’)
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”