Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
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I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Not all heroes wear capes…
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks