Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
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People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet