Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
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Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
How all things should be taught/explained.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?