[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
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Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us