Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
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me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I know
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
lmao
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it