Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
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I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
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