If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
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Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens