I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
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Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
*jingles half the way*
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Stop sending me this shit.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.