If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
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Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there