Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
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just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.