My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
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When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..