I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
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Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
emergency phone
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
“i am a sweet baby”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.