Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Lmao
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
accurate
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous