Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
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Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire