Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.