Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
two people or more is called a problem
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket