People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
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McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.