“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
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Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name