Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
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[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Yes my dude
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
True
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…