Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
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If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Saturday
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off