Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
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I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.