Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
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cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Happy Febuary everyone!
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down